Valentine's Day

Another Valentine's Day is lurking around the corner.
My earliest memories of Valentine's day are those from Elementary school. The days I was petrified to accidentally give a boy in the class a Barbie themed card that said "I love you" or "Be Mine". I was careful to give those only to my girl friends. I strategically plotted out who in the class deserved which special saying. My dad helped us make the greatest Valentine boxes. The greatest ones being my brother's, shaped like a train engine or a car.
My first horrid Valentine experience was when a boy in the class addressed my Valentine to "Missie". I was mortified! I could not believe someone would spell my name that way.

I don't remember many Valentine's from middle school and high school. I know for a few years I wore pink, but always said "I should've worn black today" to my friends. I always tried to act like the girl that didn't care about love and thought it was dumb. Clearly a defense mechanism. It was simply a way for me to guard my emotions against feeling sorry for myself that there wasn't a boy in my life. It was how I coped with feeling invisible, how I delt with wanting an Aaron Carter look-a-like to surprise me with flowers.
My parents always made Valentine's day special. Mom would put little chocolates and notes in my lunch, Dad would get my sister and I flowers, and I am thankful for that. They helped me understand that life was not about boys and trying to be noticed. They told me that I was special and loved and that is all I really needed.
Valentine's Day of my senior year of high school is one to remember. I headed to my locker after one of my classes and was thrilled at what I saw! A beautiful bouquet of flowers and a precious stuffed bear croweded in amongst my backpack and books. Sweet mom. She knew that I needed to be surprised and feel special. My brother had my locker combination and put the flowers in at some point during the day. Yes, as a 17 year old girl I will admit I was disappointed that they were from my mom instead of a boy. But I still had flowers on Valentine's day, and I knew I was special.
Every single Valentine's Day in college I hoped for a flawless bouquet of one dozen bright red roses to show up at my apartment door . Much to my disappointment, no such flowers ever surfaced.


And now, here I am. Twenty-three years-old. Gearing up to face another Valentine's Day.

There is nothing bad about Valentine's Day. It just makes me hope for something I don't have. A hope that isn't quenched by dinner with my girlfriends or flowers from my dad. I love those things, but its like buying an imitation Coach purse from China Town. You know its fake, and when the excitement of back rooms and sketchy vans wears off, you still don't have a designer purse.

I swing from one extreme to the other. Attempting to convince myself that I absolutely do not need a man to improve my quality of life. Wishing I had someone tall enough to wear my four inch heels with. Flooding my thoughts with scripture that God has a plan for my life which may or may not include being married. Reminding myself of all of the guys who have crossed my path and why I'm thankful I didn't just "follow my heart." Blaring Kelly Clarkson from my ipod as I run off my frustration and confusion. Knowing and believing that Jesus, by Himself, can show me how unconditional his love is for me.

After all that, I always end up right in the middle, hoping for flowers.

More on David

Well, unfortunately it has been a few weeks, but back to David . . . 

1 Samuel 18 & 19

Soon after David defeated Goliath he became a officer in Saul's army. However, after returning to Israel after defeating the Philistines Saul's hatred for David begins to gain a hold on his heart.  An evil spirit from God came down on Saul and he tried to kill david.  But Saul was afraid of David because the Lord was with David and no longer with Saul. David led the armies in their campaigns and the Lord was with him and gave him great success.  David's success caused Saul's hatred of him to grow.  Saul decides to give his daughter Michal to David as his wife thinking that she would become a snare him.  But after earning Michal's hand in marriage by killing two hundred Philistines, Saul realizes that Michal is in love with David and his anger and fear of David grows.

Saul tries to kill David by throwing his spear at David while he is playing the harp to calm Saul.  David makes his escape that night from the king's house.  Saul then sends men to David's house to kill him. With Michal's help, David again escapes and flees to Samuel, a prophet of the Lord, at Ramah.  

David is clearly in distress. His king is trying to murder him, when he has done nothing but serve and defend the king.  David has killed tens of thousands of Philistines to defend Israel and the Lord has been with him and given him great success.  But his life is in danger.  David writes Psalm 59 about the night when Saul sent men to David's house to kill him . . . 

"Deliver me from my enemies, O God: protect me from those who rise up against me.  Deliver me from evildoers and save me from bloodthirsty men.  See how they wait for me! Fierce men conspire against me for no offense or sin of mine, O Lord.  I have done no wrong, yet they are ready to attack me.  Arise to help me; look on my plight!" (Ps 59:1-5)

David pours his heart out before the Lord. He expresses his frustration, his fear, and sadness.  David is not afraid to be transparent with the Lord. To ask the Lord why, to question his situation.  There is nothing wrong with expressing questions and doubts to the Lord. He would rather have us hand our doubts over to him than to let our deceitful hearts try to sort them out.  

Look at what David says next:

"O my Strength, I watch for you; you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God.  God will go before me and will let me gloat over those who slander me." (v 9-10)

David expresses his emotions to the Lord, but then anchors himself to the truth. He does not let his fear take over or make his decisions. He trusts the Lord and knows that God has promised to make him king of Israel.  He believes that God firmly holds his future and keeps his promises.  

What surprises me the most about this Psalm is that David then asks for the demise of his enemies. "  But do not kill them, O Lord our shield, or my people will forget.  In your might make them wander about, and bring them down.  For the sins of their mouths, for the words of their lips, let them be caught in their pride.  For the curses and lies they utter, consume them in wrath, consume them till they are no more.  Then it will be known to the ends of the earth that God rules over Jacob." (v 11-13)

David is not afraid to express the deepest desires of his heart to God.  He has no hesitation. He gives the Lord his ugliest desires for the death and demise of his enemies but then expresses his purest desires for the Lord's name to be known.  

David knows that if he does not counter his emotion with truth, he will be overcome by grief and fear.  He again anchors his feelings to the truth of who God is. 

"But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.  O my Strength, I sing praise to you; you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God." (v 16-17)

I cannot even express the number of times I have attempted to sort out my emotions on my own, without anchoring them to the truth of who God is.  Jeremiah 17:9 says that our hearts are deceitful.  I know that is true. I know that when I allow myself to deal with any emotion without focusing first on the Lord, I become lost in lies. But I need to be constantly anchoring my thoughts and emotions to the truth. I need to be reminded that my fortress is the Lord and that He is the only refuge, no matter the circumstance.