Valentine's Day

Another Valentine's Day is lurking around the corner.
My earliest memories of Valentine's day are those from Elementary school. The days I was petrified to accidentally give a boy in the class a Barbie themed card that said "I love you" or "Be Mine". I was careful to give those only to my girl friends. I strategically plotted out who in the class deserved which special saying. My dad helped us make the greatest Valentine boxes. The greatest ones being my brother's, shaped like a train engine or a car.
My first horrid Valentine experience was when a boy in the class addressed my Valentine to "Missie". I was mortified! I could not believe someone would spell my name that way.

I don't remember many Valentine's from middle school and high school. I know for a few years I wore pink, but always said "I should've worn black today" to my friends. I always tried to act like the girl that didn't care about love and thought it was dumb. Clearly a defense mechanism. It was simply a way for me to guard my emotions against feeling sorry for myself that there wasn't a boy in my life. It was how I coped with feeling invisible, how I delt with wanting an Aaron Carter look-a-like to surprise me with flowers.
My parents always made Valentine's day special. Mom would put little chocolates and notes in my lunch, Dad would get my sister and I flowers, and I am thankful for that. They helped me understand that life was not about boys and trying to be noticed. They told me that I was special and loved and that is all I really needed.
Valentine's Day of my senior year of high school is one to remember. I headed to my locker after one of my classes and was thrilled at what I saw! A beautiful bouquet of flowers and a precious stuffed bear croweded in amongst my backpack and books. Sweet mom. She knew that I needed to be surprised and feel special. My brother had my locker combination and put the flowers in at some point during the day. Yes, as a 17 year old girl I will admit I was disappointed that they were from my mom instead of a boy. But I still had flowers on Valentine's day, and I knew I was special.
Every single Valentine's Day in college I hoped for a flawless bouquet of one dozen bright red roses to show up at my apartment door . Much to my disappointment, no such flowers ever surfaced.


And now, here I am. Twenty-three years-old. Gearing up to face another Valentine's Day.

There is nothing bad about Valentine's Day. It just makes me hope for something I don't have. A hope that isn't quenched by dinner with my girlfriends or flowers from my dad. I love those things, but its like buying an imitation Coach purse from China Town. You know its fake, and when the excitement of back rooms and sketchy vans wears off, you still don't have a designer purse.

I swing from one extreme to the other. Attempting to convince myself that I absolutely do not need a man to improve my quality of life. Wishing I had someone tall enough to wear my four inch heels with. Flooding my thoughts with scripture that God has a plan for my life which may or may not include being married. Reminding myself of all of the guys who have crossed my path and why I'm thankful I didn't just "follow my heart." Blaring Kelly Clarkson from my ipod as I run off my frustration and confusion. Knowing and believing that Jesus, by Himself, can show me how unconditional his love is for me.

After all that, I always end up right in the middle, hoping for flowers.

The Sun Will Rise

I came across this song a few days ago and it has been in my head ever since. I have been listening to it over and over and over. 

Kelly Clarkson's The Sun Will Rise. (lyrics. song.)

I have now written approximately 15 sentences and deleted all of them.  I'm not sure why, but for some reason I feel like I should probably say as little as possible in this post.

My favorite lyric in the song is this,

"I've been stuck in the storm before.

Felt the wind raging at my door.

Couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't find a way out.

Somehow the clouds disappeared, somehow I made it here.

Maybe just so you could hear me say,

The sun will rise!!"

Jesus is still here. He is still involved. He is still working. He will never give up on you. The Son will rise!

Disappointment

Let's be real . . . any Saturday that the Vols lose a game usually just turns out to be a bummer of a day.
Darn. My team lost. Again.
But just for the record I still love them and will always be a faithful fan.
It just stinks sometimes.

About a week ago I found out something very disappointing.
I was hoping and expecting a situation to turn out one way.  It didn't end how I thought.
And it just stinks.

There are so many times in life I hope SO hard for something, or pray SO hard for something, and it doesn't turn out the way I hoped.
And it just stinks.

Disappointment is real. It happens all the time. Some things don't end up the way we hope. And it is frustrating.

Proverbs 13:12

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. 

This verse is so true. How often do I misjudge the power of hoping for something. It will either make my heart sick when it is deferred, or give me LIFE.  It is SO powerful.  

There are going to be days when our hope is deferred. All the time. 

But there are going to be days when our deep longings are fulfilled. 

The longing fulfilled it is talking about here revives and strengthens.

Revives and Strengthens. 

That is cool. 

But would those fulfilled longings revive and strengthen in such a powerful way if the hope deferred didn't make our hearts so sick? Would we realize how valuable the longings fulfilled were if we hadn't had so many times when our hope was deferred? 

I don't think we would! I know I certainty would not realize how gracious God is and how powerfully He fulfills the deepest longings and desires of my heart if I didn't have so many days full of tears and disappointment because my hope was deferred. 

I think the best way for us to combat the sick heart that comes from our hope being deferred (because it is guaranteed to happen) is by remembering all of the times our longings have been fulfilled. Choosing to meditate on those, and the faithfulness of God instead of the sickness of my heart . . . SO FREEING!!

How much sweeter are those fulfilled longings because I have tasted the sickness of the heart.